| baaaaaaaaa |
[04 Dec 2008|08:31pm] |
the way that my life is going now feels like a perfect example of this 'finding yourself' thing people always talk about.
i didn't even know i was 'finding myself' until i was actually doing it. does that make sense? my findings have been half disappointing and half exciting. i realized that i'm older in my head than i actually am. i am absolutely obnoxious, but i don't care. that i may have daddy issues. i'm always battling the perception i give off to strangers.
all i want to do is do as much in this life as possible before it's taken from me. i want to do every and anything that i can later talk about in my old age and reminisce. hope is harder to hold on to and conversely is the only thing that acts also as a foundation for motivation.
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| two?? |
[19 Nov 2008|02:08pm] |
no one... but TWO guys I've had interests in now have girlfriends
AND one of them is trying to tell me he doesn't and wants to 'visit' with me.
the other, well... i liked him the most. i'm too sentimental to not be hurt-ish... i mean, i really like(d) him.
i wish i had more to say.
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| hide and seek |
[27 Oct 2008|02:23pm] |
i've been making a lot of romantic mistakes lately.
i have no other choice but to wait for a good one.
come out, come out, where ever you are ...
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| ugh |
[16 Aug 2008|05:15pm] |
|
MEN ARE SO FUCKING STUPID!
THAT IS ALL.
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| i understand why people smoke cigarettes. |
[03 Aug 2008|10:17pm] |
tomorrow may be one of the most life-changing things that moving to orlando will bring me... getting a car.
i'm excited to find out if i get it, because i'm hoping it will open up all the doors that i've ignored or have been locked because of my car situation. i love my roommates for helping me as much as they have, but it's time that i take care of my own travel. i need it. i really need it.
i've been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. i can't seem to stay asleep longer than a few hours. my problem isn't the 'falling asleep' part, it's the 'staying asleep' part.
nikki's car broke down and now we all have to car pool in one car, which means i have to wake up super early. ugh.
okay, the truth is they've done worse for me, but ... i can't wait to have my own schedule. my own real life. i can't wait to make my own travel decisions and put gas into my own car. to drive about and get lost and not be so afraid that i'm wasting so and so's gas. i want to waste my own gas.
my love life sucks. it sucks because it doesn't exist. i'm starting to realize that it's not that i want a boyfriend, i just want someone who wants me around so often that it gives me a way to escape where i am. sex isn't bad either. i wouldn't mind some sex right about now.
i do like this guy though, and it sucks. i actually kinda like a normal, man man. but, like, he doesn't... like me back. =(
totally gay..
not him... the situation.
maybe i gave myself away too fast, or something. i didn't crowd myself in some sort of 'mystery' of sorts. i just... i just want to be wanted. and wanted the way i want to be wanted.
well, maybe i'm thinking about this too much. maybe he does like me. who knows. i don't. that's for sure.
i just know what my mind and body are going to do next, and its really unappealing to me. it's going to make me not want to talk to him. make me ignore him. make me do all these stupid things, when, in reality, that doesn't work either. i don't know what works. i don't know what to do. am i supposed to wait it out? i don't get it. i don't remember how this all works. maybe i never really knew in the first place.
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| The more they come at me, the more I see them like dogs in a dog park |
[26 Jul 2008|10:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 aggravated |
] |
Let's see.
- I'm not ugly, right?
- I'm cool to be around
- I'm too focused on my own crap to be clingy
- I'm seriously not in the interest of looking for a boyfriend at this moment
- I take hints
- I obviously adore sex
Is there seriously NO male on this earth that finds those qualities appealing and is interesting to me as well?!!
omg, i'm so mad.
i'm SOO mad.
and confused.
I'm mad, confused, and alone with 2 dogs in a dark and silent apartment. On a Saturday night.
i need vodka.
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| -insert title here- |
[05 Jul 2008|10:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 melancholy |
] |
I'm a very insecure person.
Whatever bogus strength I own up with is completely false.
But despite what I may or may not say, the only secure thing I know about myself is that I am not a bad person.
I hate silence. I hate it when the house is quiet; I hate it when the phone is silent; I hate it when I am silent. I also hate blowing things out of proportion. This would have to do with that insecurity thing.
How sickening is it that feeling when you realize the pattern you live in? How infuriating is it when you realize how predictable you really are, and how you only really notice when you've already done that thing you swore you don't do?
I was thinking about 7th grade today.
I remembered a day that I got 2 boys in trouble for touching my breasts. I remembered how sorry I felt for them. I remember crying and telling my mom not to call the principal because they were my friends and it was just a joke. After the incident, their presence made me sick to my stomach. Not because of what they did, but because of the shame I felt in knowing that the friendship I thought we had was over.
I got over it eventually and moved on from the event, but whenever I to ran into them years and years later, they seemed to not to be over what happened. I have never spoken to either of them again, but the way they look at me and what they said to people I know around me about me was nauseating. Honestly, talking shit about some girl who got you a 2-day suspension for sexual harassment in the 7th grade should never be a story you tell your frat buddies when you see her in college.
As much as I remember how I felt after, how years later they remained the pathetic ones, I can't remember how I did this the first time. I can't remember the steps I took or the path I walked that convinced me that I didn't do the wrong thing at all, that I was naive and had the right to answer my mom that day when she saw me crying in my room the day they touched me.
I guess I never truly forgave myself for my stupidity. How enamored was I at the thought that these cool and funny boys could adopt me as a friend. I hate seeing myself fall victim to this feeling. I hate that I can't be secure in my actions and my beliefs.
Let me tell you, being a woman is never easy. All those men who say that being a woman is just so simple... it is not, my friend.
I've been ridiculed, harassed, touched, and hated for being a woman. Mostly, for being a woman with breasts.
No, I don't think I'm this gorgeous woman or that I'm even 'hot'. I don't think all men want me, despite what some think. I just don't think I'm the ugliest thing to look at.
How horrible is it that I'm waiting for them to call and say I'm this fat cunt bitch who has a big mouth who needs to rot in hell..?
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[15 May 2008|07:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
done |
] |
I feel like a fool. An imbecile. A total and utter loser.
I can't believe that I have allowed everything I left behind follow me to what I consider to be my solace, my impending journey to the world of big people.
I can't tell you how much I regret having ever picked up the phone, yet how grateful I am to have all these bubble bursting at once. This should only make me stronger... or something.
Right now, not so much.
I feel like shit and I blame it entirely on myself. Fucking conducting investigations and interrogating people for information that is redundant and irrelevant to my life now. What a painful reminder of every reason I left.
I feel guilty if I don't, though. There are people in this world who hold on to all sorts of shit: baby blankets, pictures, the first number from a guy they ever got.. these are all sentimental items that we carry with us and hide in a box in our closet to browse through when we're super lonely and feel nostalgic. People are like that, too. Only the box they live in is in Miami and we don't necessarily need to feel nostalgic to be reminded of them.
It takes us years and years to grow the balls, as pack rats, to throw away these useless items that hold you down and bring you nowhere but lava-filled ditches where no one wants to hear you cry about it anymore.
After every side I've heard, every story, every warning, every 'please be nice' ' please don't go'. I'm fucking done. Enough of this bullshit.
I deleted many people who I felt either I still can't remember how the fuck I know them, aren't necessarily friends of mine, or I just don't like them at all and kinda wish they'd fall into an open grave.
I don't know if I'll ever go ahead and set fire to the pictures and items I have that remind me of shit I don't need to remember. I just don't care anymore. Every bit of me that has cared has basically turned into stress and anger and that can all be relieved by recreation and exercise. (i talk so much shit)
These are the years to be foolish, but not a fool. The people you surround yourself with represent the person you want other people to see you as. The way you treat them, what you say and do. Regardless of your relationships with them, how many of them are 'peons' or whatever, it reflects on you that you still hang with supposed 'wastes of life'. It has nothing to do with who I am to you or not .. I'm not here anymore. You're only the you I like, like, .15% of your life because that's how much of it you spend with me! When the other 99.85% of your life is dedicated to your asshole/dickheadness, that translates as someone I don't want to be around.
End of story.
In other words, prepare to disappear.
</3
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| oh my geez... |
[30 Apr 2008|02:49pm] |
|
and then God answered...
A wonderful lady at work has an extra car and is willing to give it to me..!
I see it on Friday!!!
Thank you God!!
<3
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[30 Apr 2008|12:13am] |
Dear God,
I know I ask for a lot, but a car would be great....
Thanks.
-Ashley
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| Is it NY or Vegas that's known as "the city that never sleeps"? |
[14 Apr 2008|08:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
'Mama Who Bore Me' reprise- Spring Awakening |
] |
Regardless, I've never been to Vegas, but I know that NY should definitely get that title. Considering that I don't think anyone actually sleeps in NY. I know I didn't.
So I went to NY to audition for the musical 'Spring Awakening.' I've never auditioned for a Broadway show before and I will never take back the experience, but it went as follows:
Friday night, in Orlando, we (as in my roommates and I) prepare for our big audition in the city. The ones auditioning were myself and my roommate Chris. Nikki came along to enjoy some NY love and watch some shows. I decided last minute to change my song to "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia (hello 90's!) and we stayed up for a (long) while to get our crap together for the flight. Fell asleep at 2 a.m., had to be out the door by 6 a.m. for our 7:35 a.m. flight...
Landed at 10:30 a.m. to one of the warmest days I've ever felt in NY. Chris and Nikki went and saw a matinee performance of 'Cry Baby the Musical.' I didn't want to wander the city alone for 2 hours so I ran and grabbed the last $30 balcony ticket for the matinee performance of 'Mary Poppins.' OMG! Most amazing show on the planet! If you're ever in NY and want to catch a spectacular show, that is most definitely up there. I can't stress how beautiful this show was. I couldn't stop crying... then again, I'm a little bitch.
Afterwards we ran over to 'Spring Awakening' to acquire some tickets for that night's performance. I mean, Chris and I were auditioning for this show, the least we could do is watch it to see what we're getting ourselves into. I've heard the soundtrack a few times and it's, honestly, a soundtrack you have to get used to. I grew to actually really like it, but of course, a soundtrack isn't a show so we got ready to go to the 8 p.m. performance.
Sweet Jesus, what the fuck did I watch?!
There are few words to describe the intensity of this show. All I can say is that... it was fucking incredible...! I don't want to give it away, but the moment that show began, you really cannot take your eyes off of it. As Nikki describes, "It's a fucking female orgasm on stage." Female, because there was tons of foreplay, crescendo of stimulation, ending in pure delight then a bit of after-orgasm mood downer... okay, not a "bit", more like, cry a til your eyes can't cry no more because if you don't, you have no soul. Nikki cried a bunch, then again, she's a little bitch, too.
We stayed for autographs and all I wanted to do was toss my damn panties to that Jonathan Groff and he held me pretty close in the picture... I still think he's gay, though =/
For all those 'Lost' fans, Carl was in the show as well.. and he kicked major ass/balls.
Our hotel was really close to the audition site. As we walked back from the theater, we grabbed some White Castle and took a gander at the dance studio the auditions were at. There were people already waiting in line! Mind you, the auditions didn't actually begin until like 9 a.m.
Chris and I basically took a nap for 4 hours, got ready at 5 a.m to sit in line for the audition. By the time we got there, there was nearly 200 people already in line, all bundled up in thermal blankets and sleeping bags.... oh yeah... it was like 40 degrees outside at this point! As we waited, we made some friends with some fabulous people who were waiting with us. That's when we learned that there was going to be a Type-cut before any actual auditioning was to happen. After about.. oh... 5 hours of waiting on the cold-ass sidewalk.. (!) We were all dreading the chance that we paid nearly $600 for this trip only to be cut immediately because we didn't have the look the producers were looking for -- the first dose of auditioning-in-NY reality I've ever had.
Exhausted and freezing, we finally made our way into the building we got so comfortable with the outside walls of and got some stickers with our numbers on them. In about 20+ people at time, we were taken to a dance rehearsal room where a woman lined us in two lines and looked over our headshot and at us while we stood all trying to pretend that we didn't all kinda want to vomit from nerves. The lady was really cool, but she was pretty honest with a lot of people in line. She even told one girl to disassemble her braids because it looked like she was trying too hard...
We then went into some other room where there was some guy who told us to go to him to receive a new number and make a new line. Chris and I got new numbers, but a few people didn't. One of them was a girl we stood in line with forever and had gotten to know a bit... we then realized that she had been typed out... sad, but... that meant we were going to audition! In our group, like 4 people were cut. If you think about how many people were in line and the ratio they were cutting people, that means that about a third or more were cut based on look alone..!
Chris went before me into the audition room, with his "Happiness is a Warm Gun" sheet music. He came out a bit disappointed, but I personally believe he sounded pretty fantastic. I walked in after him, kinda nervous, kinda not.. I mean, honestly... I was just happy to be there. I went in, said hello to some casting dude and gave my sheet music to the accompanist and started mah song. The moment I began, the casting dude was bobbing his head to it and started writing some stuff on my headshot. I thought it could be a bad thing, but I then noticed he was smiling a lot and was genuinely jamming out to my song. I'm not gonna lie, it was a good feeling. He said thank you and I walked out. It was about 12:30 at this point. That means we were waiting about 7 1/2 hours for about 20 seconds of face time!
Since we walked out earlier than we thought, we had time to watch one more show before we had to make our way to the airport. Nikki had already bought a TKTS ticket for 'A Chorus Line' so Chris and I went and snabbed some student rush tickets next to her. We grabbed some lunch at Juniors and went to the theater...
As I was on the phone with my mom in line for the show, I noticed some guy at the stage door asking me to move over a bit so he could open the door completely, I moved over but didn't really pay much attention to the guy he let in. Little did I notice it was fucking Terrance Howard and his family! Nikki nearly had an epileptic attack as she tried to tell me who it was.
The show was really really good... or at least the parts I stayed awake to watch were great. Chris and I battled to keep our eyes open. It got so bad, I started to think I wasn't in a theater at all, but was watching a giant television. After the infamous golden outfit finale, Zach, the director character in the show, came out in tears and started talking about Broadway Cares. For him to cry was a bit much, I thought at the time, until I noticed the whole cast was crying in the wings. Turns out it was 542th show and this show was his FINAL PERFORMANCE!.... yes... I'm a big asshole. Thank God we watched it when we did, it seems that Mario Lopez is going to take over his role... yeah... A.C Slater..
After we went back to hotel to pick up our bags we took a ride to the airport and waited forever to get on the plane. Once there, we were delayed for like an hour in this smelly ass plane with crying children and semi-retarded flight attendants. At this point we were so exhausted, we were looking forward to sleeping on the plane, which didn't really happen... but we did have satellite radio. Thank you, JetBlue...
At the end of it all, we were in the apartment by 2 a.m... defeated, exhausted and in the same clothes we've been wearing since like 4 a.m...
So that's that. There's the culmination of my first audition in NYC. As painful as the cold was and as robotic we became from lack of sleep, it was a remarkable experience I'll never take back. I mean, fuck... I saw fucking Mary Poppins!
Now all there is to do is wait for a call that will hopefully tell me that I am amazingly amazing and must return to NY for a callback... trust me.. my phone will be on... although the chances will remain slim until I hear from them.. if I hear anything at all =/
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| got some gas for you. |
[07 Mar 2008|11:42am] |
|
I'm at work.
I'm a bit bored waiting for my break to be over...
in fact, I'm waiting for my DAY to be over... to sleep..
.
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| excitement! |
[01 Mar 2008|10:51am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 indescribable |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"happiness is a warm gun"- the beatles |
] |
SoOo.
I had my callback for Nemo again yesterday... (for Nemo in 'Finding Nemo the Musical') and the casting director LOOOOOVVVVEEEEDDDD me!!
The audition could not have gone better. I have auditioned for Nemo before but nothing came of it and I talked to the casting director over the phone a month or so after the audition for some feedback. He gave me a few notes and some advice and I went to the next open call at Disney and was called back for Nemo again, but it was a different casting director.
At the callback was the previous casting director, named Keyser who had auditioned me for Nemo before and was the same guy I spoke to over the phone, plus an accompanist and a woman -ironically named- Darla.
They had me sing a couple songs, which they did at the last audition... only this time, I almost sang all of Nemo's songs. I performed a scene a couple times... I performed and sang out a couple songs, and the whole time they were like "You've improved miles from the last time you were here!" Keyser kept telling me how impressed he was with me and what I brought to the table today; that I listened to all the notes he had given me and taken them all into account with my performance today. He also told me that when he saw that I was called back for Nemo a second time, he was a bit concerned because he had seen me before for it but after this audition, I totally deserved to be called again and should be extremely proud of myself...
WHICH i was... =DDD
They also asked me to do things all over again so they could get it on film and they invited me to a second callback, which is a workshop with the DIRECTOR and the MUSICAL DIRECTOR of the show. The date is TBA.
I ran out of there in near hysterics... WOOOO!
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| 2007 goodbyes |
[31 Dec 2007|03:11pm] |
|
goodbye, miami.
goodbye, FIU.
goodbye, FIU theater.
goodbye, josh
goodbye, mom
hello 2008.
please bring happiness.
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|
[28 Nov 2007|10:10pm] |
my callback is tomorrow.
please pray for me. :/
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| observation #209 |
[27 Nov 2007|02:21pm] |
|
The eves of my mind torrent down the culmination of the green road ahead, citing butterflies and lady bugs under the currents of my ocean. Yellow doom buggies sing songs of the farewell of lost lovers, wreaking a havoc incomprehensibley cynical and redundant. Paying close attention to the signs on the road, one sees the aura of glass menageries climbing up the vines of fruition. Grasping tightly to the reigns of youth, one can't help but wonder... Why do people write crap like this?
Who sent the memo that stated that this is the way to write if you're a self-proclaimed artist?
he/she needs to fart out the hot air in his/her head.
It always bothered me when people write this fluffy crap. Few people in the world can get away with this kind of writing because they can execute it correctly. Mixing the right ingredients to make a delicious symbolism cake. Isn't the idea behind good writing based around it's ability to make others understand what the writer is trying to say/ way they feel? Just because a piece of writing confuses you doesn't necessarily mean it was written well, it just means this person obviously was taught these big words once. Sometimes you can even tell that they learned most of them from people who can use the words correctly and they mimic these people.
Sometimes, it's just easier to say that your lonely... not that you're in a vacant lot of unappreciated agony.
(as always, this is not based on anyone in particular or even anyone on my friends list... it is merely another one of those midday observations)
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| guess who |
[18 Nov 2007|11:30am] |
got a callback for Finding Nemo ... AH-gain...
only this time, for NEMO..??
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| as with every prod. day... |
[23 Oct 2007|01:55pm] |
the adversity in the office is pending.
as i wrote previously in a response that maybe only one of you read because, well, it was only sent to "one" of you, one of my flaws (or so others believe to be flaws) is that i am argumentative and demand fairness and justice with my jargon.
if only i could open my mouth right now.
instead, i will just state here, in the office in question, on one of their own computers, on MY livejournal, that it is supreme BULLSHIT that certain news has been kept under wraps for no real rhyme or reason.
whoever feels the need to look over my shoulder or find some way to read my livejournal can feel free to approach me and ask what i am talking about.
until then, i will rant on my page as much as i'd like and continue to remind myself that, in all honesty, i'm leaving so i can give a damn what other people think of how i feel.
thank you.
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| wtf is going on today? |
[18 Oct 2007|11:50am] |
|
So I have theatre people sitting outside my office door with Philip Church, who keeps coming into the office (after I call for him) to check on the status of the videos I'm helping edit for Tommy.
Then, Leo and Necuze came over to visit and use my computer.
THEN, the entire class came into my actual office to watch the footage I edited. They all seemed excited.
I'm going to miss them all so much.
wait.. going to?
I already do.
Since they've been outside the office I automatically feel more energy and adrenaline rushing through my veins. They remind me that I could be sitting outside this office right now, but I'm not.
I miss taking classes and being in shows with great people.
I'm going to say this crap over and over until I move and I can give a fuck what anybody says about me being a "poser" or anything of the sort.
I miss it all, but I have to make a change in my life. I'm moving because it's the right thing for me to do.
...right?
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| btw |
[12 Oct 2007|04:01pm] |
|
These two weeks have been, by far, the most stressful two weeks of my existance.
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